Feeling alone is dreadful. I’ve been there. Throughout my life, I have felt like I am alone with everything and have to have everything together without showing any weakness. I also felt lonelier in a relationship than when it ended. How did I fix it? Let’s explore how to not feel alone ever again.
Finding the Root Cause
When I encounter a problem or emotions that feel uncomfortable, instead of trying to eliminate them, I prefer to look deeper. Emotions are merely symptoms of something happening beneath the surface, and it’s the same with loneliness. We first need to identify the root cause and then address it, nipping it in the bud.
So, why do we feel lonely? There was a period in my life when I dreaded weekends because I would spend the entire two days alone. My social life was nearly non-existent outside of work, and most of my friends lived in different countries. I would only see them every few months when I travelled to visit or they came to see me. This was my way for how to not feel alone. Except it didn’t work long-term.
I lived like this for years, and even though I was generally happy, I often experienced loneliness. It felt as though I had no one to rely on, with family far away and no financial support in case I slipped in life. It seemed like everything rested on my shoulders, and this feeling was crushing me. I would think about this a lot. What a sad mindset to have.
At times, this heavy feeling of solitude, even in a crowd of people, can make us believe that nothing else can bring us solace except the company of friends, a partner, or a family member. This is codependency, and it’s merely a thought pattern in our minds.
However, with some effort, we can change it.
Why Do We Feel Lonely?
The feeling of loneliness is just that – a feeling. Most of the time, we have plenty of amazing people in our lives, but we still perceive our situation as being lonely. Sometimes, a person who lives alone isn’t lonely at all, while someone with a large group of friends may feel lonely. These are two different situations and two different outcomes – so it must be dependent on our own perception.
It’s a lack of genuine connection in our lives or the perception of being alone with everything that might be the issue. It can be a tiresome and exhausting state of mind. The feeling of loneliness can be influenced not by the number of connections with others in our lives, but their quality. People with fewer but very close friends might be doing better than someone with a large group of friends, who never allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other and lack insight into each other’s lives, thoughts and emotions.
Another reason for feeling alone is insufficient self-love. Do you value and love yourself enough? When we are in a bad mental place, with negative self-talk and very few personal goals to drive us, our self-perceived value diminishes. I can’t emphasise enough how important positive self-talk and finding motivation and self-love within yourself really are. They’re game changers for how to not feel alone.
How to Cure Feeling Alone
We often believe that loneliness is cured by the company of other people, yet the reality is quite the opposite. In truth, loneliness is cured by understanding that we don’t need people to be happy. Once you realise that you actually don’t need people, the enjoyment of others’ company deepens and you cherish it more.
In other words, when you genuinely relish your own company as your friend, feelings of isolation and solitude disappear. Consequently, your expectations of others diminish, alleviating the pressure or frustration they might otherwise feel to contribute to your happiness, as they are simply an addition. Because others are just extra for you. A cherry on top of your scrumptious, complete cake of your own existence.
Here are a couple of ways to eliminate this unpleasant and confusing feeling of loneliness once and for all (or at least 90% of the time!) to not feel alone:
1. Find a Friend in Yourself
Learn to see yourself as your biggest supporter and ally – someone who is always there for you and whom you can depend on. Because no matter what happens, you will be there for yourself. When you have a negative thought, observe it and say compassionately to yourself, “This is heavy”, “I am here for you”, “You’re doing great”, “I love you”. Avoid judgement and cultivate true understanding towards yourself. You’re doing the best you can, and showing yourself compassion is a significant help in becoming your own best friend. Find comfort in knowing that you’ll be okay no matter what happens, with a cheerleader like yourself. What a great way to not feel alone! Read more about 18 signs that you are your best friend.
A woman who can spend time alone and enjoys it is a high value woman behaviour. Read more about how to be a high value woman.
2. Practise Positive Self-Talk
We often hear “no” or “you can’t” in our childhood so many times that it wires us to not believe in ourselves as much as we could. You can reprogram your subconscious mind to have faith and fully support everything you do. To achieve this, include positive self-talk in your internal and external dialogues with yourself. If you find yourself being critical, for example, by saying “I can never remember people’s names”, notice it and immediately correct it by saying “I am great at remembering people’s names”. There is huge power in repetitions, so repeat positive affirmations every day by listening to recordings in the morning or practising meditations with affirmations. I guarantee it will work over time; just give it a chance.
3. Open Up and Be Vulnerable
Being vulnerable is hard. Sometimes, it feels like the last thing we want to do because last time we did it, we got hurt and dumped anyway. But you know what? It’s not your problem. Do not be afraid of being vulnerable because it shows significant strength, and if someone doesn’t value it as much as they should, they might be wounded and scared of opening up themselves. We can’t change that. Sometimes, a good person is broken, and it’s not our task to fix them. Especially when it comes to a man we considered for our future. Opening up to others creates a deep connection and allows real intimacy to enter the relationship, whether it’s with a partner or a friend. People will appreciate that you share your deep thoughts with them, and this feeling and the strong bond you are creating are worth the risk because the reward is very valuable – a good, healthy relationship. Moreover, it builds resilience.
Disclaimer: While vulnerability can have numerous positive effects, it’s essential to exercise discretion and choose the right time and context to be vulnerable. Additionally, finding a balance between vulnerability and self-protection is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being.
4. Go to Therapy
The best investment you can make is in yourself. Most of us have some childhood wounds or do not know how to manage our emotions properly. Therapy will provide you the suitable tools to understand, process and let go of emotions we are all holding every day. While our friends and family can listen to us, sometimes we are all biassed and have our own internal agendas. Getting an option or advice from the outside from a professional can be very beneficial to gain a perspective that is not based solely on emotions.
5. Forgive
Forgive yourself and others in your life. Holding a grudge isn’t helping you because these negative emotions are consuming and, frankly, exhausting. By forgiving, you are not enabling bad behaviour in others, showing them you are a doormat everyone can step all over. Quite the opposite. You’re showing your strength and maturity. You free yourself from the feeling of resentment while establishing your boundaries and high standards. Show self-compassion and forgive yourself for your shortcomings and past mistakes, knowing you’re improving everyday, learning from them.
6. Accept That We Are All Always Alone
I discovered during therapy when addressing my constant feeling of being alone with everything all the time is that we are alone with many aspects of life anyway. We just need to recognise and accept it. We’re born alone because nobody takes that first breath for us – it’s all us. The same with the last breath; we also die alone. Once I understood that my expectations for someone else to do my breathing for me were misguided, I was no longer afraid of facing my problems alone, as this is the case for every human being.
7. Work on the Life You Desire
Find what you enjoy doing and do more of it. Learn how to spend time alone. Try to find more softness and relaxation in your life. Knowing your purpose and having goals for the future, no matter how big or small, will help you to find purpose, peace and happiness. Once you are on the path you planned for yourself, you are not focusing on what is missing in your life but what is present and abundant. How can you feel alone when you have this lovely full life you’re building? With this positive quality, building yourself from within, you will attract what you are – like minded people and partner(s) – those you manifest. Because we don’t attract what we want; we attract what we already are. So work on your life desires and goals and start planning them. To quote Seneca: “If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favourable.” Also, write down your list of non-negotiables.
8. Express Gratitude
Noticing what we have instead of what we are lacking is very healing. Find the time during the day (morning, evening, or during the day) to think about the good things in your life: your health, friends, food on your table, running water, and a good job. Express your gratitude for those things and take nothing for granted because nobody promised you a long or a healthy life. In fact, many people don’t get it, but you have it anyway. Indeed, nobody promised you anything. The only reason we sometimes feel frustrated is because we expected one thing, but something else happened. This is a big realisation that I come back to often when I feel like life’s unfair. Nobody promised me anything 🙂
9. Abandon the Position of Fear
In life, we can either do things from the position of love or fear. Fear is a natural and sometimes necessary emotion. It can alert us to potential dangers and motivate us to take necessary precautions. However, choose love despite recognising the fear because only then you can approach people and situations with compassion, empathy and kindness. In conflicts, fear leads us to emotional responses and bad decisions, making it easier to say something we later regret. Approaching with love means listening to others as if you are wrong to understand the other person and what they feel. Choosing love often involves self-compassion and self-acceptance. It can boost your self-esteem and help you develop a healthier self-image. Striving for a balance between love and fear can lead to a more meaningful and purposeful life.
Conclusion
The journey towards how to not feel alone ever again and finding happiness is rooted in understanding the root causes of loneliness and making a conscious choice to embrace love over fear. Loneliness often stems from a perception of being alone with everything or a lack of genuine connections. By valuing yourself, practising positive self-talk, and being vulnerable, you can build strong relationships and resilience.
Therapy can provide valuable tools to process emotions, while forgiveness and acceptance can free you from resentment and self-judgement. Embracing a life filled with purpose, gratitude, and love for yourself and others can lead to lasting happiness and fulfilment.
Remember, it’s essential to find a balance between love and fear to live a more meaningful and purposeful life. So, embark on this journey with self-compassion, knowing that the choice to prioritise love can transform your life and your relationships for the better.
What are your ways to not feel lonely?
Share your commitments and ideas in the comments below!
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My meditations with affirmations from this blog
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