We often look for a partner to finally make us happy. It doesn’t just seem like a bad idea – it truly is one. Putting so much pressure on the other person is so ingrained in society that we don’t question it anymore. However, as a person who once subscribed to this belief and saw it at work, I can affirm that it’s just a waste of our precious time. Let’s explore why self love is important in a relationship.

The Secret to Your Happiness

Happiness is a fleeting thing, not something continuous, and depends solely on us. I’d like to inspire you to search for happiness in your own life that does not depend on other people. It’s too much pressure and too limiting.

Knowing that control does not lie with you when it comes to your happiness is a terrible, vulnerable and difficult state to be in.

Even when we set goals for ourselves for what truly will make us happy and then reach them, we always find a way to push the destination further. ‘The raise at work will make me happy’ – and once you get it, then actually the next one finally will. I’ll be happy when I’m in a relationship – and then it turns out that what the partner gives you is never enough.

It happens because we all are as happy as our happiness baseline – what we feel on a daily basis, not the boost we get temporarily when we get what we want. After that, happiness again comes back to its baseline.

We need to work on improving that baseline. To be happy and enjoy the small, everyday things. This is where the secret to your happiness truly lies.

What is Self Love?

To me, self love is a verb. It’s a set of actions that enhance my well-being, foster a sense of inner calm. Generating an overall feeling of being pampered and cared for. It’s me safeguarding my boundaries, being present in the moment with myself. Pursuing what feels good and authentic to me at present.

But self love is also a mindset. It’s how you perceive yourself, the thoughts you create about yourself and your life, your capabilities, limits, what can and can’t affect you. It’s about self-compassion and forgiving yourself for the wrong choices you’ve made. And setting healthy boundaries with yourself, others and the world. Self love is something that enhances your resilience, self-concept and personal care.

Understanding and accepting the wide spectrum of my emotions, even the negative ones, I start to recognise that also in others, which makes me more empathetic and understanding towards them. I am more inclined to give them time to process what they’re feeling, without any expectations, knowing it’s not about me. Patience is the act of love as everyone has their own pace. I love self love.

What Self Love is Not

This concept is not here to give us permission to be selfish and inconsiderate to others. It’s not being arrogant, but about remaining humble, loving, and understanding towards those around us.

Self love is not about striving for perfection. It’s about embracing your imperfections and understanding that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are, flaws and all.

Lastly, self love is not a destination you reach; it’s an ongoing journey. It requires continuous effort, self-reflection, and self-care. It’s about cultivating a positive relationship with yourself throughout your life.

Read more about self love in this blog post.

Needs vs Desires

Self love is also realising your needs and not apologising for them. It might be the thing that encourages you to walk away from a relationship if you don’t get what you need from it. That’s right; this is why self love is important in a relationship. To make us realise when we deserve better treatment.

But what are the differences between needs and desires? Oftentimes, people in relationships say they need something and expect their needs to be met by the other person. However, wanting a man who has his own apartment, for example, is not a need – it’s a want. So what’s the difference here and how to know if my needs are needs or just desires?

What are Needs

Needs are fundamental for your well-being, survival, and overall mental and emotional health. These include things like safety, security, love, respect, and communication. When needs aren’t met, it can lead to significant distress or harm. For example, the need for emotional support in times of distress.

What are Desires

Desires, on the other hand, are preferences and wants that enhance your life but are not critical for your basic well-being. Desires can change over time and are often influenced by personal preferences, societal norms, or cultural values.

Understanding the distinction between needs and desires can help manage expectations. If a partner communicates a desire as a need, it’s crucial to discuss and clarify these expectations to avoid potential misunderstandings.

The Importance of Self Love in a Relationship

Some say that people can only love you as much as you love yourself. Regardless of whether it’s scientifically true or not, not having your boundaries in place and constantly criticising yourself is neither good for you nor for the partner.

So let’s dig into why self love is important in a relationship.

Less Codependency

Being codependent is a vulnerable place, filled with helplessness and constant fear of abandonment and the feeling of never receiving enough from the relationship.

By excessively relying on someone else for approval, identity, and a sense of self-worth, we create unhealthy dynamics in romantic relationships, burdening the other person with the expectations of being our everything.

We Project Our Value to the World

Seeing yourself as low value and communicating your insecurities is not only sad to listen to, but it plants a seed about your inadequacy in your partner’s mind. They will start seeing things you talk about and think and they will start acting differently also. People change their behaviour, because we change.

It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think you’re not good enough, you start to act like you’re not good enough, so you get treated like you’re not good enough. And in the end, you’re alone, saying – see? I knew it; no one could ever truly love me. Don’t do that. The saddest thing here is that this man probably did love you once.

Seeing Things Clearly

When we don’t have high regard for ourselves, we might overlook when we are disrespected. I have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who criticises her a lot. She accepts it and gives excuses for him like, he’s just so honest, like all people of this nationality. He doesn’t think before he says something.

It does hurt her, otherwise I would never hear of it. And I do. Every time I see her.

As a result, her self-esteem plummeted like never before. And she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen live. This man, with his little remarks here and there, guaranteed himself that she will never leave him because now her confidence is non-existent. And she would be scared to go out there and try again because who would want her with all these flaws he points out to her daily?

The Predominant Love Should Come Directly from Within You

Cultivating your own happy life will give you a sense of control and render you a magnet for others. Your joy is contagious, and people cherish this energy as a dynamic force in their own lives. By loving yourself, you will never be alone because you have a sweet cheerleader within you, always supportive.

Less Pressure on Others

As in the previous point – not being happy on your own and expecting the other person to make you happy is too much pressure on them. Think about what you can introduce to the other person’s life, not what they can give you. Be your happy self when you see them, and your mood will uplift them too.

Prioritising Yourself is Important

You’re the most important person in your life. Your needs are your priority. But when we differentiate between needs and wants, we can assume that your needs are more important than someone else’s wants. However, your desires are likely less important than others’ needs.

There will be a time when your needs are more important than others’ needs and the times when someone else’s needs are more important than your needs. Being a good partner is knowing when to prioritise yourself and when to prioritise the other person. But most of the time – you come first.

Knowing Your Boundaries

You know your boundaries, and you act if they’re being crossed. Boundaries are not for other people who interact with you, but for you. They are your line in the sand, behind which there are bad feelings you want to protect yourself from. So, in order to have them be seen, communicate them and act when they are being crossed. If you say nothing, they’re just empty words and it doesn’t inspire respect for you in others at all. Your boundaries is an act of self love and we now know why self love is important in a relationship.

Better Emotional Regulation

Sometimes, men pull away. They all eventually do for a short while. Maybe they have some emotional struggles, maybe they are overwhelmed with work and stressed, or maybe they are a bit scared of commitment at the moment. After spending some time together, we produce more oxytocin, which may lower levels of testosterone in men. Moreover, they need their time to retrace and get in balance back again. Whatever the reason, self love will be your guard: you love yourself enough to just do your own thing at that time and not let your negative emotions take a destructive spiral on you.

We Attract What We Are

Not loving yourself is a magnet for dysfunctional relationships – we attract what we are, not what we want. Love yourself and heal so that you can attract someone who also has their emotional well-being under control and is emotionally available. Let’s not waste any more time than we needed to learn this lesson.

Less Criticising Others and Yourself

With self love, your self-esteem and self-concept are strong. You learned the power of positive self-talk, and you know how difficult it was to reprogram yourself to get rid of that inner critic that was so limiting and demotivating. Criticising others is equally harmful. Compassion is the better way to go.

Acting from the Position of Love

You act more from the position of love, not fear, knowing you’ll be alright whatever happens. Understanding others and giving them time to process their emotions and hardships is important, and being patient is a beautiful act of love.

Conclusion

While exploring why self love is important in a relationship, we talk about the transformative power it holds in fostering healthier connections. Self love is not just a fleeting emotion; it is a dynamic force that encompasses actions, mindset, and resilience. By understanding the nuanced difference between needs and desires, we gain clarity in our expectations and contribute to the stability of our relationships.

Embracing self love leads to less codependency, allowing relationships to flourish without the burden of unrealistic expectations and controlling behaviours. It enables us to project our true value to the world, fostering positive perceptions in our partners’ minds. Cultivating self love ensures that we see things clearly, preventing the acceptance of disrespectful behaviour that might otherwise erode our self-esteem.

The predominant love comes from within, making us magnets for positivity and joy. For these reasons, we now understand why self love is important in a relationship, and how there’s less pressure on others to fulfil our happiness, as we become our own cheerleaders. Prioritising ourselves is essential, knowing when to set boundaries and when to act in the best interest of our well-being.

Good luck! Share your discoveries in the comments below 👇🏻

Recommended next post to read:

WHY IT’S AMAZING TO BE SELECTIVE ABOUT A PARTNER

HOW TO CREATE A LIST OF NON-NEGOTIABLES IN YOUR FUTURE PARTNER

18 POWERFUL SIGNS YOU’RE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

Check my YouTube for meditations:

Rise and Thrive on YouTube