Each person we meet, every connection we form, leaves an indelible mark, teaching us lessons about love, life, resilience, and the wants of the human heart. Our past relationships, whether sweet or bitter, long-lasting or fleeting, are invaluable chapters in the story of who we are becoming. Let me share my personal lessons I learned from my past relationships.
Stay tuned for the next week’s 5 more lessons in part 2.
The Single Lady Reminders List
Right after my last break up, I wrote two lists: a list of non-negotiables in my future partner (including what I don’t want from the lessons I just learned) and a list of reminders for myself for when I’m in a relationship again.
To not let myself get too invested or disappointed, I wrote a list of reminders to read on a weekly basis when I start to feel a bit too anxious or uncertain.
The List
Examples of items on this list I created for myself:
- I am single and happy right now; a partner should add to it, so remember not to expect this person to give you happiness
- I am responsible for my own happiness; my partner is just an extra
- Do your thing and have a full life
- If you’re feeling lonely, your self love got lost on the way; bring it back
- Your life was full and happy before you met him; no need to depend on him too much now; you are happy with him now and when he’s gone
- Always assume positive intentions in him; give benefit of the doubt
- Don’t share each emotion you experience; keep it to yourself and reflect
- If he pulls away – leave him be and focus on your things also
- Take it easy and don’t rush anything; you have time
- Forget about the fear; each argument doesn’t instantly mean you will break up
- Give only as much as he gives you; don’t over-invest; mirror his behaviour
To this, I also add: if we are meant to be, he is already mine. So, I don’t have to worry about it at all. There, pressure is gone!
This is not a complete list; there are many pages to it. I might share it in a different post. These are the things I know and feel now. However, when emotions kick in, I might lose the full picture as I want to see it. That’s why I created this reminder for myself, and now you can benefit from it too.
Lesson nr 1: The Courageous Heart
* Tl;dr version *
I showed incredible bravery and vulnerability by putting myself out there and giving my best – and for this I am proud of myself. My efforts signify hope and courage; I will remember that my capacity to love is boundless. Embracing this experience as a valuable lesson, a step toward personal growth, and a testament to my resilience.
When your heart was broken for the first time, how long did it take you to go back out there and date? If you are a ballsy lady, it didn’t take you long but then you aren’t reading this blog right now ?
It is more likely that it took you weeks if not months. In some cases – like mine – years even. Entering new relationships with new hopes and attitudes has to happen for me when my heart somewhat healed (or at least I think so). This always reminds me of this one thing Michael Scott said on The Office some time after a breakup.
You put yourself out there, you were vulnerable, and you gave your best self. For this, I am super proud of you!
Trying means having hope, being brave, and being willing to improve your life. And you did all that. Celebrate how brave you’ve been and never lose hope! Let this give you strength and self-belief that you will try again in the future.
You gave your love, but you have so much more to give. You are love. It’s not a non-renewable resource. It’s abundant in your heart, and you will find someone new to share it with and who will be happy to share it with you also.
Lesson nr 2: What Really is a Failed Relationship?
* Tl;dr version *
Even though we have this Hollywoodian idea of living forever after, endings do not diminish the value of love or experiences. Relationships, even if they conclude, offer valuable lessons and contribute to personal growth. Embracing these lessons with gratitude allows for self-discovery and a deeper understanding of one’s own capacity for love and resilience.
I used to think that a relationship to be successful has to last forever. If people break up, I would think – oh gosh, another failed relationship and a death of love. But is it really so?
In the Mo Gawdat podcast episode with Annie Zimmerman, Annie said something so profound that challenged my approach to relationships I had until that point of hearing that.
She said:
Let’s say you’re going to die at the age of 30. Is it still worth living a full life? I would say yes. It’s the same as if a relationship is only going to last two years. Yes, it will be so painful for it to end but you will survive that and it might have been worth it.
The Technicalities
If you knew you were going to die, would you not have lived? If your relationships end, does it mean you never loved?
Just because the relationship ended, it doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. You might have learned about yourself, your wants and desires, you practised communication and you loved – there were moments of happiness.
I still want a long-term relationship and I’m sure you do, too. And I still have standards about what I’m looking for, but I no longer look at my past relationships as a failure. I release all regrets.
I recognise the lessons learned from my exes and I wish them well. Where and who I am today wouldn’t be the same without them. I appreciate their insights, their help and improvements, their good and bad habits introduced to my life. Each of them lives within me now and I make an effort to love each side of myself.
Lesson nr 3: The Process of Elimination
* Tl;dr version *
Prioritising values and personal goals in dating, it’s very important to eliminate incompatible partners early on. Setting boundaries and communicating expectations are crucial, but it’s also essential to approach new relationships with patience and avoid desperation when initiating serious conversations.
Life is too short for people who don’t align with my values or personal goals. Dating should be the process to expose yourself to as many people who have potential to be the one and eliminate men who are not in alignment.
I’ve learned to not accept the bare minimum from men I’m dating and I communicate it with them. It’s important to know when to start the serious conversations though and to give a new relationship some time. So, for this, it is crucial to not come from a desperate mindset.
You’re a lucky girl, girl!
Basically, face the world from the perspective of a lucky girl – the universe literally conspires in your favour. You know what you want and you manifest it in your own happiness and optimism for your future. You attract what you desire and it’s just a matter of time for those things to come to your life.
Once you place your order to the universe, you don’t have to do anything else anymore. Like at a restaurant, the waiter will bring you food, so you just relax and enjoy some drinks and the company until your food arrives. You just sit back and follow the love while always having your own back.
The universe gives us what we are ready for, no less and no more. If something comes your way you are not ready for, you might not even notice. Things will come when they come. No way of forcing it.
Isn’t this a liberating thought? It really helps me. I am already financially free. He is already my man. I already live in my dream house. If you can dream it, you can get it. Just enjoy the last months or your singlehood and really – just chill.
Lesson nr 4: You Come First
* Tl;dr version *
Self-care is paramount and personal fulfilment should come from within. Beware of codependency and differentiate between genuine generosity and past traumas. Notice if you do things for others because it genuinely gives you joy or to make people like you.
No matter what, I am the most important person in my life and I prioritise my needs and well-being. I am the only person who can take care of myself.
My partner is there to make things easier for me, not to do everything for me. Nobody will do the inner work for me. Nobody will take my breath for me.
Of course, you might feel fulfilment and the warm feeling inside if you do things for your partner. But do you give to people because it genuinely causes you happiness or because you feel people won’t like you if you don’t give them? This could be a past trauma speaking through you.
You deserve to be loved for who you are and not for the things you provide people with. Plus, there is a fine line between doing something nice for your partner once in a while and taking care of him as if you’re his mother aka mothering him. Nobody likes that, neither the person who mothers, nor the person who is being mothered.
Lesson nr 5: Prioritise Self Love and Self Care
* Tl;dr version *
Only by loving myself can one recognize and demand the love and respect I deserve. Cultivating self-love increases awareness of unhealthy behaviours, allowing me to prioritise relationships based on kindness, love, acceptance, and understanding.
Some say that your partner can only love you as much as you love yourself. Did you develop the sufficient level of self love to let others love you like you deserve it?
Once you give yourself the best treatment, your radar for BS and red flags will be very sensitive. When you give yourself enough peace and there’s someone in your life to disturb it, you will notice and not let others treat you with nothing but kindness, love, acceptance and understanding.
Read more about the power of self love.
Lessons nr 6-11
Please, continue reading the part 2 with the lessons 6-11.
Conclusion
Our past relationships serve as invaluable teachers, shaping our understanding of love, resilience, and self-discovery.
We explored five essential lessons: embracing the courage to love bravely, appreciating that endings do not diminish the value of experiences, understanding the importance of aligning with compatible partners, recognising the primacy of self-care, and prioritising self-love.
As we navigate the complex world of relationships, these lessons illuminate our path toward personal growth, empowering us to cherish the journey, learn from our experiences, and approach future connections with wisdom and self-assurance. Stay tuned for more insights in part 2.
Remember, every relationship, past or present, is a stepping stone toward becoming the best version of yourself.
What did you learn? 🙂
Share your commitments and ideas in the comments below!
Recommended next post to read:
HOW TO NOT FEEL ALONE EVER AGAIN AND BE HAPPY
WHY IT’S AMAZING TO BE SELECTIVE ABOUT A PARTNER
HOW TO BECOME YOUR OWN DREAM GIRL
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