When you’re a single woman, you have numerous options for how to spend your precious time. Most of us would like to eventually find a good man, but before that happens, there is some groundwork to be done! In this post, we will explore why it’s a good idea to be selective and how to be selective about a partner in a wise way as a woman.
Wired to connect
We all desire connection and attachment to others. As humans, we are wired for connection and intimacy with a partner. We seek to feel wanted, loved, accepted and understood. Relationships, of all kinds, are the most significant thing in our lives, including our relationship with ourselves, our work, family, colleagues, friends, and romantic partners. If that’s the case, then a lifelong romantic relationship is likely the most crucial of all the relationships in our lives.
Statistics indicate that 60% of small businesses fail within the first five years. These odds can be discouraging for aspiring entrepreneurs. However, despite this challenge, many people try it anyway.
I don’t know about you, but 100% of my past romantic relationships have failed. Equipped with this awareness, I am determined to continue trying because I believe I will find the love I desire and deserve. And the reward of a fulfilling relationship, which is my ultimate goal, outweighs the fear of another potential failure.
And it’s okay if a man isn’t interested, he was not my man then, was he?
Another disadvantageous fact for you: we all carry attachment patterns from our early childhood into adulthood. There are two main groups of attachment styles: secure and insecure (avoidant and anxious). About 50% of the population falls into the secure category and possibly already in a loving relationship with each other. Chances are that you, like many others, have an insecure attachment style, making you part of a significant portion of the dating pool already on the market.
More at stake
Because of all these things and recognising the scarcity of our time, we need to be more selective. We as women face unique risks when entering a relationship:
- We have a limited window for bearing children if that’s part of our plan,
- We risk unwanted pregnancies and health complications from it,
- Our emotional attachment tends to develop more rapidly due to increased oxytocin production in romantic relationships (especially during and after sex),
- We invest our best years in these partnerships.
And for these reasons alone, we need to take a lot into account when making a decision and we need to learn how to be selective about a partner.
The fear within us
Another reason why women can be selective is the presence of past traumas and the fear of being hurt again. Heartbreak is undeniably painful and anxiety-inducing, but it can also be the most transformative event in our lives. Read more on how to heal after breakup.
Read more about the lessons I learned from my past relationships.
Sometimes in life we go through some traumatic events. Death in the family, health struggles, job loss or break-ups. These experiences can be very challenging and have the potential to break a person in a way. However, we often discover our true strength only when being strong becomes our only choice.
Such events have a huge power in shaping our personal growth. After my own breakup and a period of suffering and reflection, I encountered something remarkable known as post-traumatic growth (PTG).
PTG often occurs in individuals who have a high level of psychological resilience. Resilience is the ability to adapt and bounce back from challenging situations, and it plays a crucial role in PTG. People develop new coping mechanisms and strategies in response to trauma. These new ways of coping can lead to increased emotional strength and personal growth.
Some people find that their relationships with others deepen and become more meaningful after trauma. They may become more compassionate, empathetic, and connected to those around them. Going through trauma often forces individuals to confront their own vulnerabilities and limitations. This self-awareness can lead to personal growth as they work to overcome these challenges.
Knowing how life-changing the potential of this growth is, I am no longer as fearful as I once was about meeting new people and dating in my pursuit of finding my person (or rather waiting for him to find me).
The new woman is born
After experiencing such events and undergoing post-traumatic growth, the world becomes your oyster. I know people who started businesses or made life-changing travels or decisions following a breakup. For me it was this blog. Discovering a sense of purpose is a significant step towards healing and achieving happiness.
After a breakup, you gain insights into what went wrong and learn valuable lessons. It’s often said that life presents us with the same lessons until we finally learn them.
These newfound lessons also shape your future behaviour. Now you know what you want and (maybe more importantly) what you don’t want in a relationship. You become more discerning about the men you meet, evaluating whether they share the same values and future plans. You learn more about how to be selective about a partner. Read more about traits that men love in women but are beneficial to us too.
A selective woman has no time for temporary, fleeting relationships. She knows precisely what she wants and she goes for it. That woman isn’t afraid to say “no” and set boundaries, and she’s not afraid of spending time alone. She recognises the gift of being single and how much she can learn and grow in this time.
Such a woman remains hopeful and believes she will find what she’s looking for. She is committed to her future and she doesn’t compromise on her non-negotiables.
Create a list of non-negotiables
In your singlehood, you have some time to reflect. Unlike when you were in a relationship, you’re not as emotionally reactive because the primary trigger for these emotions (your partner) is absent. Your judgement is clear and highly logical, so you won’t self-sabotage as much.
Read this full blog post about how to write your own list of non-negotiables.
While single, it’s beneficial to create a list of non-negotiables for your future partner. Make sure you are not writing them from the position of fear, but genuine values you hold. Document everything that holds importance to you:
- his values (religion, frugality, family, etc.)
- short-term and long-term life plans
- attachment style and communication skills
- living preferences (urban or rural)
- family expectations (how many kids or no kids)
- lifestyle (active or sedentary)
- expectations regarding mutual contribution (e.g., a 50/50 partnership or a provider role)
- educational background, interests etc. if that’s important to you
Write down the comprehensive list in your journal and keep it for reference when you’re ready to start dating. It will make it less challenging and less emotionally charged to be selective about finding a partner.
You need to develop the abundance mindset. It means dating with the understanding that there is a compatible partner out there for you, so you don’t have to compromise on critical aspects. Settling on less important things is another story, because it’s essential to recognise that nobody is perfect. And we need to accept the potential partner for who he is, as long as there is alignment in values and plans, and there is mutual respect and love for each other.
A woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t settle for bare minimum is a high value woman behaviour. Read more about how to be a high value woman.
Conclusion
Desiring a loving, accepting and understanding partner is normal and a crucial aspect of improving our lives as a woman. As women, we often need to be more selective when choosing a partner than men are because we risk more in relationships.
Time spent alone allows us to determine what we truly desire. Once we have our list of non-negotiables, we need to be serious about our future and be selective.
A selective woman doesn’t fear solitude – she cherishes this time and uses it for self-improvement and self-discovery. She has no interest in temporary relationships. She knows precisely what she wants and she pursues it with determination. She’s not afraid to say “no” and set boundaries, and she doesn’t dread being alone for a while.
Being selective is a positive trait, and you should identify your desires and pursue them. You have a sense of control in your life and you feel self-agency. You understand your self-worth and value and you work on yourself enough to know how much you bring into a relationship.
For these reasons, don’t be afraid to be more selective, as you deserve nothing less than the absolute best ?
Recommended meditations:
My meditations with affirmations from this blog
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