5 Reasons Why Relationships Fail

Feb 12. 2024

Nearly all of us have experienced heartbreak. Some relationships last only a brief moment, some take longer, but overall, 100% of my relationships ended. Despite the odds not being in our favour, we persist in trying again. Here’s why relationships fail.

Table of Contents

Unfavourable Odds

All of my relationships have ended. I’m not saying they failed – each taught me something about myself and were important lessons learned in my life. They all had a purpose and enriched my life. I will forever be grateful for these great men on my path. I still want to know why relationships fail though.

However, if you were starting a business and you knew that 65% of businesses fail in the first 10 years, would you start a new business? Of course you would. Because the reward is way too big and sweet to not give it a try. 100% of my past relationships ended and yet, I’m still trying. All I risk is a heartbreak, but I have a way to cope with that too.

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Why Relationships Fail – Hard Truths

Since this is a blog for women, I will address the issues from the perspective of a woman in a relationship with a man and specifics of such couples. However, the same mechanisms can occur in the reverse situations with some nuances here and there.

Let’s bear in mind that some relationships are meant to fail. Not everybody is a potential partner that will work for you. So use your good judgement and discern if trying to keep this man is to your greatest advantage or something better is awaiting you in the future. Trust your gut feeling.

1. Loss of Attraction

I would argue that this is the primary reason why relationships fail. There are various causes for loss of attraction but in the end it all comes down to this one thing. It’s a gradual change in a person’s behaviour that causes the other person to no longer view them in the same light. When a woman becomes too attached, codependent and anxious, she might not be seen by a man the same way. Even though a man creates a woman’s mood in a way and her anxiety is the reflection of how much effort he puts into her and how he treats her. But that’s the topic for a separate blog post.

It’s not solely about physical attraction. This rarely changes in relationships, especially short ones. A man may still see his partner as very beautiful, but he no longer feels the same attraction – it’s about the respect he feels for her. He will start to pull away.

For men, there’s often no love without respect. It might even be the same thing for them. If over time, a woman starts to do things that do not inspire respect in a man, he will no longer feel love towards her. A man sees a woman as his representation – if he can’t respect her, he won’t want to be seen with her or be with her.

* How to Prevent It: *

Always prioritise yourself, set your boundaries, and never do anything that you won’t respect yourself for. We teach others how to love us and treat us by how we love and treat ourselves. Make sure you’re your best friend before a man enters your life, and you will always be pursued, remaining a challenge to him.
Choose a man who understands that a woman’s behaviour and inner peace depends on his actions. If you feel anxiety, it might be because a man acts in a way that your intuition screams to you to run. It’s better to leave avoidant men alone. Protect your peace and find someone who can maintain it.

2. Changing the Rules of the Relationship

When we start dating, we are on our best behaviour. We are a little more mysterious, challenging, and interesting. We keep the complaints to the minimum, especially those of us with insecure attachment styles, because we don’t want to appear clingy. Everything feels magical, met with enthusiasm, and appreciation.

This changes over time. When we become more comfortable with verbalising our needs, we are more like open books and the mystery is gone. The next stage of the relationship, when the honeymoon is over, is especially challenging. What we did so far might not be enough for the other person, or the comfortable feeling makes us try less hard than before.

This means we change the rules of the game. If we’re not the same person they fell in love with anymore, the other side might start losing attraction because this isn’t the version of us they were attracted to from day 1. Of course, we can still change a bit, everyone changes constantly. But keep it maintainable or accept the fact you may lose some people from your life.

* How to Prevent It: *

Be authentic from the beginning of the relationship. Don’t be afraid to verbalise your needs, knowing that if you don’t do it now, you either have to live with your needs unmet, or sooner or later, you’ll have to communicate them anyway and change the rules of the relationship in that moment. Authenticity can save you from distress later on, and you’ll keep the trust to yourself, which importance cannot be underestimated. If you stay authentic, it’ll be easier to maintain it instead of acting like we’re cool with certain things we’re really not cool with.
Remain a challenge and learn to self-regulate emotionally. Don’t use your partner as an emotional dumping ground. If you need to vent, talk to your girlfriends. Appreciate your man’s efforts and show gratitude, not reciprocation. A man needs to feel like he can maintain your relationship, and when you’re an open book, he won’t feel like he needs to be curious about someone who is so clear and close all the time. Stay a bit of a mystery, develop hobbies, and life goals that will absorb most of your attention. This will take him off the pedestal and put YOU back on it, as it should be.

3. How we Feel Around Them Changes

We love to be surrounded by those who make us feel good about ourselves. And it’s true for all social situations, even at work. You don’t want to stay at a job where people don’t appreciate you and make you feel like you’re stupid.

A man needs to feel like a man in a relationship, and a woman needs to feel like a woman. It’s really that simple.

A man wants to provide and protect, feel like a hero that can impress his woman. A woman needs to feel pursued, romanced, and well taken care of so that she can maintain her peace and softness.

In a relationship when both partners feel taken for granted and unimportant to each other, it’s no surprise that the attraction starts to fade. They don’t feel good about themselves in this pairing anymore and that’s why relationships fail.

Often we see male celebrities who leave their wives for their assistant or personal shopper – someone way below their wife’s status. However, what really happened was that at home, the man didn’t feel appreciated or needed, and that woman of lower status saw him as someone with value, and that’s what made him fall in love with her. A man wants to be his woman’s hero, and he will not compete with her for the title of the bigger man. This is a mistake a lot of women in their masculine energy make.

* How to Prevent It: *

Tap into your feminine energy to create the desired polarity and give him space to find his divine masculine. Take on a slightly more passive role in the relationship. Let you man lead. You’ve chosen this man, so you need to trust his judgement and let him decide here and there. A man needs to feel that his woman trusts him with her life instead of having a woman who will constantly baby him. You’re not his mother, he’s a grown man who can solve his own problems. When he’s around, you can sit down and relax because you know he’s got you.
Appreciate his efforts and praise the good behaviours you want to see more of. Men really want to make their partners happy, so if he sees your positive reaction and happiness on your face, he will want to do more of that, trust me! Additionally, don’t offer advice when he isn’t asking for it and don’t criticise. Men are problem-solvers. Instead, say “You’ll figure it out” or “I trust you” and let him come up with solutions.

Shirley MacLaine Quote why relationships fail

4. Lack of Communication and Authenticity

Some of us enter relationships with unhealed past traumas and issues. When you’re alone, you think you’re healed, but it’s just the absence of triggers that are present in relationships that create this illusion. When you enter a relationship, this is where the real, hard work starts. But also the most opportunities to learn and heal start as well.

The biggest issues in relationships are usually lack of communication and inauthenticity. If people don’t express what they need or if their boundaries have been crossed, the trust dwindles and the resentment grows. Inauthenticity might mean there’s communication, but it’s not sincere. All of this leads to misunderstanding and missed opportunities for real, intimate connection. And that’s why relationships fail.

* How to Prevent It: *

Don’t be scared to communicate your needs and what makes you upset from day 1 of a relationship. Always react when your boundaries are being crossed, and do it in a controlled manner. Don’t show your emotions because the person who shows them is the one who’s triggered one and under control of the other person. Communicate your boundaries using “I feel” statements and avoid blaming. Say things like “I feel” + “situation” + “boundary”, for example: “I feel uncertain when there’s no contact for days. I am a woman who needs regular contact, otherwise I feel disconnected”. You can follow with “It’s just what I feel” – you’re taking the responsibility and you do not blame him for it.
Sometimes it’s okay to say “I need some time to process what I feel about this”. Process how you feel and communicate it in a way that feels authentic to you.
Practise open communication in all your relationships: with your family, friends, at work. You can start with a therapist and implement it in all areas of life. When it’s your habit, it’ll be easier to stay true in a relationship also.
In all relationships, learn to act from the position of love, not fear. Fear makes us think in terms of scarcity, not abundance. It paralyses our good judgement and paints everything in darker colours.

5. Being Too Available and Easy

It’s especially true for men that they need a challenge in a relationship. They need to pursue because they’re born hunters. If a woman is an open book and not a mystery, there’s nothing to pursue. A woman who wants to keep her man will know that she needs to keep him guessing and wondering what she’s up to during the day. And not only during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It might seem like a game but it’s really just doing your own thing and not putting a man on a pedestal. Prioritise yourself.

Develop your own hobbies and ambitions you can work on. Maintain your friendships and spend time with them. Make yourself scarce and he will wonder about you. Don’t share every thought and keep some things private. Let him ask you about your day or text you first most of the time if you want to remain a challenge.

* How to Prevent It: *

Men used to go on hunting trips and wars for weeks and months at the time. They are used to less frequent contact with their loved ones. They had no words from their partners, and all they had was a picture or memories. We live in very safe times when this is no longer the case fortunately, but this is male nature.
Avoid telling him in detail what you’ll do during the day. Leave a little to imagination. Make him wonder about you. Remain a challenge and a mystery. For example, leave some things hidden, like when you get ready. Treat it as an intimate process of becoming the most attractive version of yourself that is for you only. And if he gets to see it, it will be special and very intimate.

Conclusion

In the quest after a breakup we explored what closure means. The journey is deeply personal and often filled with challenging emotions. Understanding what closure means in the realm of relationships is crucial—finding emotional resolution and acceptance for the end of a relationship. The allure of closure lies in the hope for an easy remedy, an understanding of the ‘why’ that makes healing seem simpler.

The truth, however, is that closure is not a quick fix handed over by the person who caused the pain. It’s a process that takes time, self-reflection, and the willingness to heal from within. Instead of seeking closure externally, embrace the power within you to write your own narrative.

Avoid the futile pursuit of answers from the other person; focus on self-reflection, therapeutic support, and allowing time for genuine healing. Recognise the strength in acknowledging your losses and trust the process of rebuilding a life filled with better things. The key to closure is not in someone else’s hands but within your own, offering the possibility of true self-discovery and empowerment.

Why do you think relationships fail?