We humans are analytical beings. We want to understand what is happening and why, always seeking answers. While this trait is beneficial in many aspects of life and science, it might not be the best approach when you’re going through a breakup. Let’s explore what closure means and how to get it.
What is Closure?
In the context of relationships, closure generally refers to the need or process of finding emotional resolution or understanding regarding the end of a relationship. It’s about gaining a sense of finality and acceptance, allowing individuals to move forward without lingering emotional baggage.
Many people believe that closure might involve having a conversation with the other person to discuss any unresolved issues, gaining clarity about the reasons for the breakup, or simply reaching a point where you can come to terms with the end of the relationship on an emotional level. It’s a subjective and personal process, and what provides closure for one person may not be the same for another.
Some say that without closure, you cannot move on from a failed relationship. People seek answers to have this final thought, the idea, the reason why our ex-partner didn’t want to be with us anymore. When we know and finally understand, then moving on is easy and we can magically leave it all behind.
Right?
The Remedy for Suffering
I think what people find so hopeful and enticing in closure is the idea of an easy move on after we get it. When we understand the why, it will be easier to fix ourselves. But there’s no easy fix and the only way through hell is to keep going. You don’t stop in hell.
I must admit that finding closure from the person who broke up with us is quite confusing for me. However, in a world where we blame others for how we feel, instead of taking personal responsibility for our triggers, it’s hardly surprising. It’s a symptom of the same mechanism.
Why do we expect that the person who made us feel this suffering will hold the key to the quick remedy we call closure?
The bad news is that asking him to fix you after he broke you makes no sense. It would also mean that the control over your healing is in the hands of another.
It will take some time. But the good news is that even though the key to your healing is not a quick fix, it can only be found within you. And I hope you find it as powerful and uplifting as I find it. Because if it can come from you, you have direct control over it.
How to Get Closure
When we’re suffering, some common sense phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” might only irritate us, as they are better understood from a time perspective, when emotions settle and we start to see positive changes in our life after that traumatic event.
Right after a breakup we need other tools to get that closure we seek in the way that fits us. Here are my ways to get closure from within myself, without engaging the other person. Because at this point, I’m in no contact with him, probably forever.
1. Never Ask a Man “Why”
Men are adults who know exactly what they’re doing. Treat him like an adult and trust that he makes decisions because he thinks it’s the best for him.
The only appropriate response to a breakup is “okay”. When someone doesn’t see your value, desperately trying to make them see it is the last thing that’ll increase your worth in their eyes.
Your ego is hurting right now, trying to find answers to what happened, but the only thing you need to realise is that this person thought about this for a while. It wasn’t a sudden decision, so your begging and pleading won’t help, but only will make things worse for both of you.
Save your face and walk away with your head up and you will be grateful to yourself in the future. You maintained your self-respect even if you’ve been rejected – your most vulnerable state.
2. Self-reflection
Getting closure is in your hands. It’s something we find within us, instead of asking the person who broke us to provide it.
The intrusive thoughts and emotions you’re feeling after a breakup like overthinking and self-attacks, beating yourself up and pointing out mistakes you’ve made, thoughts that you will forever be alone – it’s all normal. At this moment, you just cannot take yourself seriously.
Your brain throws all this at you because of the emotional pain, stress and loss you’re going through. The human brain is often more sensitive to losses than gains. Losing a relationship may trigger a heightened focus on what is perceived as lost, leading to thoughts of not being able to find happiness or love again.
3. Write (a) Letter(s)
What closure means isn’t having a conversation or sending a letter to the person who broke you. Instead, you can have the same conversation with yourself and give yourself closure.
Write a letter where you express your feelings of disappointment, hurt, fear, rejection, disbelief and all that you feel at the moment.
- I am scared because…
- I am angry because…
- I am disappointed because…
- I am sad because…
- I am grateful for…
- I forgive you because…
- I wish you well…
Write freely without judgement, cry and feel and never ever send it.
4. Consider Therapy
If your emotions are intrusive and you can’t function normally, consider therapy. Certain experiences trigger some people more, and it’s okay to admit we need help. It’s not a weakness, it’s actually your strength. You don’t have to deal with all this alone.
A good therapist will provide you with some tools to manage and regulate your emotions, but the most important part in therapy is you. It’s all in your hands and how you approach it will have a lot to do with what you accomplish with therapy. So try to have a positive attitude.
5. Take Time to Heal
Be patient and compassionate with yourself. The first weeks after a breakup will test you. Feel and process your emotions, but don’t allow them to control you. Don’t underestimate the importance of this step. The fastest you get into it, the sooner this phase will be over with. This is the phase where you work towards giving yourself closure.
The fastest way through this emotional challenge is to feel it. It’s also the hardest path but the most effective one. Don’t engage in rebounds because they don’t work. Our unhealed selves only attract people who are also unhealed and more drama. You need time alone to process your emotions, so do it alone.
Cry, mourn the life you could’ve had with this person, grieve as much as you need. And once you’ve felt it all, you will be free. This is your time, and you will do it in your timeframe and on your terms.
And when it’s all over, you will see the lessons learned and how this person on your path enriched your experience and helped you to understand yourself better. And when the time comes, you can start quantum/circular dating.
6. Realise What You’ve Lost
I know it hurts, but remember this: he lost someone who loved him, you lost someone who didn’t love you. Who’s the biggest loser here? It’s not your job to convince others of your value. People either see it or not, making them the right and wrong people for you.
Remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. What really helped me is the image of the universe coming in with a bulldozer to obliterate everything and make space for new things to build. Better things. Someone has to be removed from your life so that there’s room for someone even better. Trust the process and trust yourself.
Conclusion
In the quest after a breakup we explored what closure means. The journey is deeply personal and often filled with challenging emotions. Understanding what closure means in the realm of relationships is crucial—finding emotional resolution and acceptance for the end of a relationship. The allure of closure lies in the hope for an easy remedy, an understanding of the ‘why’ that makes healing seem simpler.
The truth, however, is that closure is not a quick fix handed over by the person who caused the pain. It’s a process that takes time, self-reflection, and the willingness to heal from within. Instead of seeking closure externally, embrace the power within you to write your own narrative.
Avoid the futile pursuit of answers from the other person; focus on self-reflection, therapeutic support, and allowing time for genuine healing. Recognize the strength in acknowledging your losses and trust the process of rebuilding a life filled with better things. The key to closure is not in someone else’s hands but within your own, offering the possibility of true self-discovery and empowerment.
What is closure to you? How do you get it?
Recommended next post to read:
POSITIVE SELF-TALK FOR HIGH CONFIDENCE AND SELF-LOVE
10 POWERFUL REMINDERS FOR THOSE GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP
17 TIPS HOW TO DEAL WITH CHALLENGES IN LIFE
5 WAYS HOW TO EMOTIONALLY DETACH AND ENTER UNBOTHERED GIRL ERA
